The world as you know it, is about to change.
Those words are batted around a great deal of late, mostly in connection with the Mayan calendar, 2012, etc. But I ask you dear reader to stop for one minute and think about those words carefully and logically. Because to my way of thinking, it comes down to where you're sitting when you hear them. What I mean is this: If you have lived a life of hunger, need, want and abuse, and someone comes along and says "Life as you know it will change forever", you're probably thinking "Finally this shit will be over!!" That's the hope, anyways, that things are changing for the better. And if you're sitting pretty with mommy and daddy and your lapdog named "Mr. Tickles" and someone says the same thing, you're no doubt going to think the worse and freak out and do everything in your power to maintain the status quo. So really, it's not bad or good, just a matter of perspective.But where a shift is concerned on a global scale and a paradigm alters the consciousness of a species is concerned, matters get a bit more complicated. I think that with 7 billion people on the planet now, it will take some culling before we're able to evolve onto our next level of existence. Now those who read the above and translate it into "genocide" or something of the sort, and try to use me as a target for their misguided fear. I often hear things like "so, my husband and I have 7 children, which one of them would you have killed?" Now when Jacque Fresco is asked such an assinine question, he takes the high road and answers that "we need to educate people about living within the carrying capacity of the earth". Me, personally, I wish I could answer them honestly like "All of them, and I would line up your husband and yourself and have you shot on live TV to make an example of you and your selfishness." But that would not be politically correct.
What these people fail to understand is that not one person is going to make such decisions, no group of people are going to decide that another group of people should be wiped out. It will happen naturally, organically, but make no mistake, it will happen. The earth is only capable of providing life for a limited number of species, and like a big furry dog, it will shake off the fleas (humans) that are troubling its existence. So, please stop trying to blame me or Jacque or anyone else that is simply pointing out the obvious consequences of our actions. Instead, try to recalibrate how you think about yourself, the world around you and the relationship you have with it.
Nobody speaks up
I think someone said that all evil needs to exist is for good people to say/do nothing.
So it seems in our modern "politically correct", "non-judgemental" society, that no one is ready to speak up no matter how small the matter might be. A slight course correction now, might have saved us all a great many heart and head aches. But noooooo, we're too concerned about "rocking the boat" or "I don't want to cause trouble".
To my way of thinking, this is the reason we're in this mess we're in. Because someone saw what Goldman Sacks was doing and said nothing. Because someone saw what Bears/Sterns was up to, but "didn't want to be a whistle blower".
So here we sit in a big smelly pile of manure and we're all trying to pretend like it doesn't stick to high heaven. That the methane that the pile is emitting is just a nice evening glow. That somehow if we just repeat our actions again and again, we'll somehow get out of this mess. Economic, social, environmental, ethical, moral, personal decay.
So, here it is people. If we don't speak up when we see something is wrong, we have no one to blame but ourselves when the excrement interfaces with the rotating blades.
Therefore, to those on public transit, here is the proper etiquette:
- When using a napsack/backpack - be considerate and practical when travelling in public transit during rush hours and carry it when not walking to/from your destination. You'll have a great fewer people cursing you under their breath.
- When walking down the side walk and you are in a group of 3 or more, you can't all walk abreast, two by two at best. Think of it like driving, you wouldn't get into the oncoming lane when there are other cars coming at you. Again, be considerate of others around you. You don't own the sidewalk and I will not move over to accommodate you. Yes, I will let you bash into me and give as good as I get and if you want to follow that up with your "entitlement" attitude, be prepared to deal with th backlash.
- When getting into an elevator, let the people out first. Simple I know, but you'd be surprised how many people don't.
- Same goes for when you're getting into a public transit vehicle. Let the other people out first.
We'll leave it at this for now, but suffice it to say, it is proof positive what happens when a whole generation is left to be raised by Barney and the mass media. Parents should teach their children common sense and common courtesy instead of giving them money and a sense of entitlement and sending them off into the world.
The G20 (Toronto) nightmare continues for some
GROUP STATEMENT BY 17 PEOPLE CHARGED WITH CONSPIRACY DURING THE G20REGARDING A PLEA DEAL
November 22, 2011 -- As people across Turtle Island look towards theglobal wave of protests against the austerity agenda, the memory of the2010 G20 protests in Toronto looms large as both inspiration and caution.We are seventeen people accused by the state of planning to disrupt theleaders summit – the prosecutors call us the G20 Main Conspiracy Group. This alleged conspiracy is absurd. We were never all part of any onegroup, we didn't all organize together, and our political backgrounds areall different. Some of us met for the first time in jail. What we do havein common is that we, like many others, are passionate about creatingcommunities of resistance. Separately and together, we work with movements against colonialism,capitalism, borders, patriarchy, white supremacy, ableism,hetero/cis-normativity, and environmental destruction. These are movementsfor radical change, and they represent real alternatives to existing powerstructures. It is for this reason that we were targeted by the state. Although these conspiracy charges have been a big part of our dailyreality for the past year and a half, we have been slow in speaking outcollectively. This is partly because of the restrictive bail conditionsthat were placed on us, including non-association with our co-accused andmany of our close allies. In addition, those of us who did speak out havebeen subjected to a campaign of intimidation and harassment by the policeand prosecutors. We are writing now because we have negotiated a pleadeal to resolve our charges and to bring this spectacle to an end. The state's strategy after the G20 has been to cast a wide net over thosewho mobilized against the summit (over 1, 000 detained and over 300charged) and then to single out those they perceived to be leaders. Beingaccused of conspiracy is a surreal, bureaucratic nightmare that fewpolitical organizers have experienced in this country, but unfortunatelyit is becoming more common. We can't say with any certainty if what we didwas in fact an illegal conspiracy. Ultimately though, whether or not ourorganizing fits into the hypocritical and oppressive confines of the lawisn't what's important. This is a political prosecution. The governmentmade a political decision to spend millions of dollars to surveil andinfiltrate anarchist, Indigenous solidarity, and migrant justiceorganizing over several years. After that kind of investment, what sort ofjustice are we to expect? We have not been powerless in this process; however any leverage we've hadhas not come from the legal system, but from making decisionscollectively. This has been a priority throughout, particularly in thelast several months, as the preliminary inquiry gradually took a back seatto negotiations for a deal to end it. The consensus process has been attimes a heart-wrenching, thoughtful, gruelling, disappointing, andinspiring experience, and in the end, we got through it together. Of the seventeen of us, six will be pleading and the eleven others willhave their charges withdrawn. Alex Hundert, and Mandy Hiscocks are eachpleading to one count of counselling mischief over $5,000 and one count ofcounselling to obstruct police, and Leah Henderson, Peter Hopperton, ErikLankin, and Adam Lewis are each pleading to a single count of counsellingmischief over $5,000. We are expecting sentences to range between 6 and 24months, and all will get some credit for time already served in jail andon house arrest. Three defendants in this case had their charges withdrawn earlier and onehas already taken a plea to counselling mischief over $5,000 that involvedno further jail time. This means that out of twenty-one people in thesupposed G20 Main Conspiracy Group, only seven were convicted of anything,and none were convicted of conspiracy. The total of fourteen withdrawalsdemonstrates the tenuous nature of the charges. This system targets many groups of people including racialized,impoverished and Indigenous communities, those with precarious immigrationstatus, and those dealing with mental health and addiction. The kinds ofviolence that we have experienced, such as the pre-dawn raids, thestrip-searches, the surveillance, and pre-sentence incarceration happenall the time. The seventeen of us have moved through the legal systemwith a lot of privilege and support. This includes greater access to"acceptable" sureties, and the financial means to support ourselves andour case. While the use of conspiracy charges against such a large groupof political organizers is noteworthy, these tactics of repression areused against other targeted communities every day. There is no victory in the courts. The legal system is and always has beena political tool used against groups deemed undesirable or who refuse toco-operate with the state. It exists to protect Canada's colonial andcapitalist social structure. It is also deeply individualistic andexpensive. This system is designed to break up communities and turnfriends against each other. Within this winless situation, we decided that the best course of actionwas to clearly identify our goals and needs and then to explore ouroptions. Within our group, we faced different levels of risk if convicted,and so we began with the agreement that our top priority was to avoid anydeportations. Other key goals we reached were to minimize the number ofconvictions, to honour people's individual needs, and to be mindful of howour decisions affect our broader movements. Although we are giving up someimportant things by not going to trial, this deal achieves specific goalsthat we weren't willing to gamble. Our conversations have always been advised by concern for the broaderpolitical impacts of our choices. One noteworthy outcome is that there areno conspiracy convictions emerging from this case, thus avoiding thecreation of a dangerous legal precedent that would in effect criminalizeroutine tasks like facilitation. Taking this deal also frees up communityresources that have been embroiled in this legal process. We emerge from this united and in solidarity. To those who took us in while on house arrest, to those who raised moneyfor our legal and living expenses, to those who cooked food, wroteletters, offered rides and supported us politically and emotionallythroughout, thank you. To those in jail or still on charges from the anti-G20 protests, to political prisoners and prisoners in struggle, we are still with you. To communities and neighbourhoods fighting back from Cairo to London, from Greece to Chile, in Occupied Turtle Island and beyond, see you in the streets.
--Pat Cadorette, Erik Lankin, Paul Sauder, Meghan Lankin, Bill Vandreil,Joanna Adamiak, Julia Kerr, David Prychitka, Alex Hundert, Monica Peters,Sterling Stutz, Leah Henderson, Adam Lewis, Mandy Hiscocks, PeterHopperton, SK Hussan, Terrance LuscombeIf you would like to issue a solidarity statement, please emailtoronto.g20resist@gmail.com and let us know.
Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained since.
Q: Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' -- and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' -- and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'
Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In France , where tennis became popular, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (mis)pronounced it 'love.'
A: In France , where tennis became popular, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (mis)pronounced it 'love.'
Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.
Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing,he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing,he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.
Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.
Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A:Invented in 1825,limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light.. In the theatre,a performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.
Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.
Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A:Invented in 1825,limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light.. In the theatre,a performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.
Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the game 'golf.' So he had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.
Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.
A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the game 'golf.' So he had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.
Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.
Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches (milling), while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.
So there! Now you know!
Money, money, money.
Occupying Wall Street or Bay Street or whatever street in your town is a great way to initialize a conversation with the powers-that-be. The thing you must keep in mind however, is that these people are merely a bi-product of a warped system, they are merely playing the game to the best of their abilities. They operate under a different paradigm then the 99% rest of us. So while open dialogue is great and a positive step in the right direction, what must ultimately happen for the system to gain the collective “reboot” that it requires, is for us (the majority) to starve it to death.
How do we go about that, considering how plugged into the monetary system most of us are? Well, start at home and start with the little things. Reconsider all you have, credit cards, debts, and other such “financial instruments” and remember, they are not real. Money is a construct, it is not real.
So, get rid of the excess, the credit cards, the debts, the ongoing headaches.
How do we go about that, considering how plugged into the monetary system most of us are? Well, start at home and start with the little things. Reconsider all you have, credit cards, debts, and other such “financial instruments” and remember, they are not real. Money is a construct, it is not real.
So, get rid of the excess, the credit cards, the debts, the ongoing headaches.
Do you really need all those mindless television channels? Get rid of the cable/satellite.
Do you really need to drive the car to the corner store for a bag of milk? Take the bike out of the garage, or better yet, walk.
How long are you going to hang on to those “things” that weigh you down? Rid yourself of the excess and feel how freeing it really is.
Mostly though, move your money to a credit union and out of the big banks, if you have investments, get into silver, real silver, not certificates that are worthless.
Most importantly, teach your children, the youth about what is really worthwhile and priceless in life. Relationships, friends, family, people. If there is one thing I have learned about me and money over the last 4 decades, it’s that I can always get more. Beg, borrow, earn, steal, whatever the method, there is always a way to get more. Time on the other hand, once wasted and gone, can never be retrieved.
Rob Ford - Megacity Megawuss
What a pathetic excuse for a human being, nevermind a politician Mayor Ford is. I don't know where to begin with this guy. From the fact that he looks like Jubba The Hut trying to climb a case of stairs? That he has the personality of a baffoon? That he is a typical bully and when called on his B.S. he runs home?
I don't know why people bother voting and especially voting for such close minded, pathetic and clearly incompetent people. Individuals with clearly no sense of humour or grace or manners or aren't complete hypocrits.
Come on Toronto, surely we can do better. Maybe Elmo is available, it's worth asking.
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Tolerance
There has been a great deal of "political correctness" over the last couple of decades, a radical swing from the previous racist, homophobic, misogynistic, intolerant, to one where even pedophiles and wife abusers have "rights" before the abused.
Well, this is not acceptable. When - as the demotivational poster above states - Tolerance applied to evil is a crime, and I for one will not put up with it. I don't care if the guise used is religion, or cultural or ethnic or whatever. I will stand up and expose those that commit disgusting acts against women, children, animals and anyone vulnerable and exploited. This includes commercial and political interests.
Take the case of the armpit of South East - Bangladesh. Here are some lovely stats to be proud of people of Bangladesh.
- Two-thirds of young girls are compelled to enter marriage at a young age. This practice is not limited to slums and rural villages. According to the United Nations State of the World’s Children, the rate of child marriage in Bangladesh is 64%; it affects 58% of girls in urban areas and 69% in rural areas.
- A recent publication from UNICEF entitled “The State of the World’s Children” reports that one in three Bangladeshi girls are married by the age of 15, 2 in 3 by the age of 18.
- Wife abuse as a right
Shaheen is just another example of hundreds of thousands of young married women who are beaten nearly to death by their husbands every day. “We, women, are helpless. There is no one to help us. Who is there to help us, to stop our husbands beating us? No one likes to be beaten. It hurts a lot.” With these words, she unveils the story of spousal abuse and other forms of violence against women in Bangladesh. This violence takes various forms such as battering, domestic and dowry-related violence, acid attacks, rape, fatwa (the Islamic law issued by an Imam, the leader of a mosque), sexual harassment in the workplace, and even human trafficking.
- Islam as a religion of love and peace - what a disgusting lie.
A fourteen-year-old girl who was raped by her 40-year-old married pedophile cousin has been whipped to death in Bangladesh. According to the Daily Star, the killing followed an Islamic religious ruling, or fatwa, that sentenced the child, named Hena Begum (also Hena Akhter or Hena Akhtar), to 100 whip lashes. Such edicts are prohibited by law in Bangladesh, a mostly Muslim country of 162 million people in South Asia, but allowed under Islamic Sharia law. The girl fell unconscious after receiving 80 lashes and was rushed to the hospital where she died of her injuries.
And this is supposed to tolerated? Well, perhaps if your ethical and moral compass is broken, this would be acceptable. But not to me and I will not be bullied into silence and I will not go quietly into that good night.
But don't think I discriminate. The same goes for Catholics, Jews, Protestants, Orthodox and anyone else who tries to hide behind religious freedom and tolerance.
I am merely observant
So does it make me a bad person to be observant and take advantage of a situation not of my making?
Hmmmm. See, here's the thing. I was trying to BUY something from the junk food vending machine downstairs earlier and it wouldn't accept my money. Got a bit frustrated trying to figure out why this was so, when I saw that the display showed "Test". So, I tried just pressing the desired number selection and "Whamo!!" out comes the candy, free of charge!
Could this really be true? Let's be scientific about it and try again. WHAM! more freebies!!
Well, for the sake of science, we must endeavour once again to verify that this is so. BLAM!
So, now, everytime I go down, I stop and get more stuff.
Does this make me a bad person? I didn't do anything to the machine. I merely observed its condition and am taking advantage of it. Alright, I also refrained from telling anyone else at work, because I want it all for myself and I want to see how long before the vending machine company catches on.
Happy Bisexual Day!!
What Is Bisexuality? This is a question that many people ask or have misconceptions about.
Here is one definition:
Bisexuality is the potential to feel attracted to and to engage in sexual and/or romantic relationships with people of any sex or gender. A bisexual person may not be equally attracted to men and women. The degree of attraction to any sex can be fluid and may change over time.
Bisexuals, like all people, have a wide variety of relationships. Sexual involvement with both a man and a woman at the same time is not necessary for all bisexuals. Just like anyone else, bisexuals may be single, have one partner or have more than one partner.
Self-perception is the key to a bisexual identity. Many people engage in sexual activity with partners of more than one sex over the course of their lives but do not identify as bisexual. People who have had sex with only one gender, or who have not had sex at all, may identify as bisexual because of their attractions, fantasies or openness to a sexual or romantic relationship with someone of any sex.
Celebrate Bisexuality Day
Celebrate Bisexuality Day takes place each year on September 23rd. Started by bi activists in 1999, Celebrate Bisexuality Day puts bisexuality on the map with its call to promote bi visibility and celebrate the wonderful diversity of bisexual lives. Events are held all over the world on and around this date to raise the profile of bisexuality and bring people's attention to the uniqueness of our lives.
Bisexual Symbols
Bisexual Flag
Bisexual Flag
The pink color represents sexual attraction to the same sex only (gay and lesbian), the blue represents sexual attraction to the opposite sex only (straight) and the resultant overlap color purple represents sexual attraction to both sexes (bi). The key to understanding the symbolism in the Bi Pride Flag is to know that the purple pixels of color blend unnoticeably into both the pink and blue, just as in the 'real world' where most bi people blend unnoticeably into both the gay/lesbian and straight communities. (Michael Page, creator of the Bi Pride Flag)
The following link contains information on the history of the bi pride flag.http://www.biflag.com/Activism.asp?tag=EN000000000000
Double Triangle
The double triangle is a well known bisexuality symbol and is full of meaning. The colour symbolism is the same as in the Bi Pride Flag. The significance of the triangles comes from WWII, where homosexual prisoners were forced to wear a triangle in Nazi camps; black for lesbians and pink for gay men. Triangle symbols in these two colours have been reclaimed by gay, lesbian and bisexual communities, with the bisexual community adding a second triangle and colours from the Bi Pride Flag to represent itself specifically.
Top Reasons to Live in Canada
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% as it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English-speaking neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada ...
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"?
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick ....
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle.. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from..
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart:
50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down and still wear shorts and T-shirts.
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes
Canadians have the last cookout of the season
0 Fahrenheit (-17..9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians Girl Guides still sell cookies door-to-door.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C)
Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get a day off of work to go tobogganing.
-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
Biphobia - The lost "B" in LGBTQ
The “B” has often been left out of LGBT research; studies that lump together LGBT people when comparing them to heterosexual people often overlook the unique experiences of each population, particularly the “B” (and the “T ”). Research that does explore the health of bisexual people indicates that bisexual people often have poorer health outcomes compared to both lesbian and gay populations and heterosexual populations (1). This is particularly the case for bisexual women (2). The poor health outcomes of bisexual people may be attributed to biphobia and the impact of myths and stereotypes about bisexual people (i.e., that bisexuality is a phase or a transition; that bisexual people can’t make up their minds; that bisexuality isn’t a legitimate sexual identity; that bisexual people must have a 50/50 attraction to men and women; that bisexual people are dishonest, promiscuous, or cheat on their partners).
Our definition of bisexual includes people attracted to more than one sex and/or gender. This may include those who self-identify as bisexual, queer, pansexual, omnisexual, two-spirited, fluid, or who choose another non-heterosexual identity label.
Understanding the context of bisexual mental health
We conducted a qualitative study with 55 bisexual people from across Ontario to learn more about their experiences of mental health services and care (3-5). From our pilot study, Understanding the context of bisexual mental health, we learned that bisexuality was dismissed, made invisible, and at times, degraded based on assumptions and stereotypes: “The stereotype is that bisexuals are confused, because they don’t know who they are, and what I’ve actually realized is that society is confused, because they don’t know who we are.” Participants of our pilot study described how their family members and friends similarly expressed these assumptions about bisexuality, resulting in challenges maintaining supportive relationships: “My sister said to me . . . I would prefer it if you were just my gay brother, and not this slutty person who just sleeps with everyone.” While many participants noted the benefit of supportive friends and the value of access to a community of other bisexual people, some reported experiences of biphobia associated with involvement in predominantly gay and lesbian communities: “I remember being at a party…a bunch of people started talking about someone who wasn’t at the party, and why wasn’t she there. And she had ‘turned straight’ and was dating a man.” Finally, some participants discussed how they too internalized common beliefs about bisexual people, as they worked to understand and accept their bisexuality. Participants described self-acceptance as essential to their mental health: “I’ve found that my biggest struggle over the years was accepting myself. And then once I did that, I felt a lot less weight on my shoulders.” In short, our pilot study revealed that bisexual people perceive experiences of discrimination as important determinants of mental health problems.
With regard to bisexual people’s mental health service use, the participants of our pilot study reported negative experiences with providers who they perceived as being uneducated around bisexuality; who made judgments about their clients’ sexual identity or practices; who pathologized bisexuality; or who focused exclusively on the client’s identity to the exclusion of other issues considered relevant by the client. The experiences of the participants in this study are consistent with previous findings that, while most providers no longer view same-sex behaviour as inherently pathological, some still express attitudes and beliefs toward gay, lesbian, and bisexual clients that may decrease the likelihood of a positive outcome from therapy. These negative experiences with mental health providers reflect many of the common social beliefs about bisexuality that have been described as prevalent in the society at large. It appears that some mental health providers have internalized the same beliefs and ideas about bisexuality that have been reported to be problematic for bisexuals in the context of other social relationships (i.e., with family members, friends, partners and potential partners). The resulting negative encounters sometimes led bisexual people to terminate their relationships with providers, which could contribute to the elevated likelihood of bisexual people having unmet health and mental health care needs relative to people of other sexual orientations.
Pilot Study Project Team
Principal Investigators: Lori Ross and Anna TraversCo-Investigator: Cheryl Dobinson
Funded by the Centre for Addiction & Mental Health
Community Research Capacity Enhancement Program
We are now conducting a larger community-based study to learn more about the mental health of bisexual people across Ontario. We aim to survey 800 bisexual people in Ontario. Please visit our Projects page to learn more about this study and our other active studies listed below:
Risk and Resilience among Bisexual People in Ontario: A Community-Based Study of Bisexual Mental Health
Pathways to Effective Depression Treatment
Creating our families: A pilot study of the experiences of lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people accessing assisted human reproduction services in Ontario
Access to primary care for people with serious mental health and/or substance use issues: A qualitative study
Resources
Please visit our Resources page for more resources about bisexual health and parenting.
Notes:
1. Dobinson, C. (2010). Top Ten Bisexual Health Issues: What Current Research Tells Us. Rainbow Health Ontario Conference.
2. Steele, L.S., Ross, L.E., Dobinson, C., Veldhuizen, S., & Tinmouth, J. (2009). Women’s Sexual Orientation and Health: Results from a Canadian Population-Based Survey. Women & Health, 49(5), 353-367.
3. Canadian Mental Health Association, Ontario. (2010). “Study explores bisexual people’s experiences with mental health services in Ontario”.
4. Ross, L.E., Dobinson, C., & Eady, A. (2010). Perceived determinants of mental health for bisexual people: A qualitative examination. American Journal of Public Health, 100(3), 496-502, doi: 10.2105/AJPH.2008.156307.
5. Eady, A., Dobinson C., & Ross, L.E. (2010). Bisexual peoples’ experiences with mental health services: A qualitative investigation. Community Mental Health Journal, doi: 10.1007/s10597-010-9329-x.
The Life Out Loud: 7 Secrets to a More Joyful Existence
1) Celebrate!
As life coach Amy Martinez Wong puts it, "Why shouldn't you throw a party every night?" Celebrate everyone and everything as much as possible.
Most importantly, celebrate yourself. Put on your power anthem -- whether it's Nikki Minaj's "Moment 4 Life" or Abba's "Dancing Queen" -- and do a victory dance around your living room when you accomplish a task, no matter how small. Heck, you can even celebrate that delicious bite of almond butter toast you just had for breakfast. Don't wait for an excuse.
Celebrate others, too: Be delighted by their success. Help them spread the good news by offering to take them out for a cocktail or high tea and posting to your Facebook Page about it. Cultivate an infectious enthusiasm for life, and others will be attracted to you like bees to honey. Your joy will multiply exponentially.
2) Strive to be awestruck.
Awe is one of my favorite emotions. It's the reason why I have gone to Burning Man for nine out of the past 10 years. I walk around the temporary city that arises out of the desert landscape with my jaw dragging across the dusty earth for an entire week. Wonderstruck. People's costumes, the art cars, the music, the performances and then the actual art itself -- they make me say, "Wow. OMG, did you see that? Wow!"
Awe, for me, is when God is most present on this plane of existence. I feel as though I can reach out and touch the divine. Awe restores my faith in humanity by reminding me what we're capable of creating.
You might experience awe in the presence of nature, something I do, as well. If that's the case, get yourself out into the mountains for a bike ride, to the beach for a walk, to the forest to commune with the trees. Make saying "That's awesome" a priority in your life.
3) Make friends.
Start with an open heart and mind whenever you approach someone new. Even if you don't like her at first, give her a chance. The way I do this is by thinking, "We all have at least one good book in us: The story of our life." If you can ask the right questions to get the person to share his story, you will make a friend.
I make friends at events, but also on Facebook and Twitter with people I've never met face-to-face. I find all of these relationships rewarding. I don't necessarily have any intention to connect with these people in the future -- I just want to move through life feeling as though I've made the world a little bit smaller, brighter and more loving. We're all still kids on the playground at heart, just longing to belong.
4) Be generous.
At my lowest moment last year, after ending my tumultuous relationship of five years because my boyfriend broke off our engagement, I was devastated at the thought of starting over. I realized that the only way out of my mess of tangled emotions was to give. I raised $4,000 and took that money to Haiti, where I worked with my inspirational friend Alison Thompson in the tent villages, offering counseling, hugs and love. When I returned to San Francisco just 10 days later, I felt transformed: filled with gratitude for the many blessings in my life, and lifted up by the love the Haitians had poured out in the midst of their anguish.
Be generous not just with your time and money, but also with your praise of others. You can never tell those around you too much or too often how fabulous they are.
5) Lead with your vulnerability.
Listen to this: "Hi, I'm MeiMei. I graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Stanford. I published my first book at age 27..." Annoying, right? Makes you want to throw a cream pie in my face?
Now try this: "Hi, I'm MeiMei. I'm delighted to meet you. You know, I often get intimidated at events like these and as a result, I start rattling off my résumé. But that's no fun. I'm really just a geek at heart. Tell me about you."
In any social situation, if you start off with a list of your accomplishments, you're bound to elicit judgment from the other person. The moment you let down your guard, admit to a flaw and show people your scars, they begin to see you as a fellow human being who is dealing with the same struggles they're facing. You instantly move to a deeper level of communication and trust.
6) Don't be afraid to get sloppy.
I was raised to put on a good show. To be the perfect daughter who shows up at the dinner party in her sundress and greets the guests with a smile, no matter her mood. This is a valuable skill to have in life, without a doubt, and I thank my parents for it.
But in the past decade or so, I've found that the greatest moments of joyful connection to myself and others occur when I'm being authentic rather than polished and perfect. Just be real. Tell it like it is. People will love you for it. (You can read my previous post, "Where Spirituality Gets Sloppy," to learn more about how I take this approach to life.)
7) Love the Universe.
During my long dark night of the soul, my aunt Linda gave me an incredible book by Byron Katie called "A Thousand Names for Joy," in which she shares this mantra: "I am a lover of what is." When I read that line, it made perfect sense. Why struggle against what is so? Why not, as the Buddha instructs, view every challenging event and person you encounter as your perfect teacher?
Adopting this mantra worked. I stopped judging myself so harshly for being a single woman over 35 who had "failed" at having a family of her own. Instead I asked, "What can I do that my friends with kids can't do?" I took off for four months on a round-the-world adventure exploring critical water issues with Jacques Cousteau's granddaughter Alexandra as the Expedition Writer. I moved to Costa Rica for three months and learned to surf. I led a yoga retreat where we did daily volunteer service. I made the most of being unencumbered.
Here's what I think manifesting joy really boils down to: The more you love the Universe, the more it loves you. You can sulk, mope and despair about what's not right in your life, or you can look at what you do have and find something there to value and appreciate. Changing your attitude changes everything.
As life coach Amy Martinez Wong puts it, "Why shouldn't you throw a party every night?" Celebrate everyone and everything as much as possible.
Most importantly, celebrate yourself. Put on your power anthem -- whether it's Nikki Minaj's "Moment 4 Life" or Abba's "Dancing Queen" -- and do a victory dance around your living room when you accomplish a task, no matter how small. Heck, you can even celebrate that delicious bite of almond butter toast you just had for breakfast. Don't wait for an excuse.
Celebrate others, too: Be delighted by their success. Help them spread the good news by offering to take them out for a cocktail or high tea and posting to your Facebook Page about it. Cultivate an infectious enthusiasm for life, and others will be attracted to you like bees to honey. Your joy will multiply exponentially.
2) Strive to be awestruck.
Awe is one of my favorite emotions. It's the reason why I have gone to Burning Man for nine out of the past 10 years. I walk around the temporary city that arises out of the desert landscape with my jaw dragging across the dusty earth for an entire week. Wonderstruck. People's costumes, the art cars, the music, the performances and then the actual art itself -- they make me say, "Wow. OMG, did you see that? Wow!"
Awe, for me, is when God is most present on this plane of existence. I feel as though I can reach out and touch the divine. Awe restores my faith in humanity by reminding me what we're capable of creating.
You might experience awe in the presence of nature, something I do, as well. If that's the case, get yourself out into the mountains for a bike ride, to the beach for a walk, to the forest to commune with the trees. Make saying "That's awesome" a priority in your life.
3) Make friends.
Start with an open heart and mind whenever you approach someone new. Even if you don't like her at first, give her a chance. The way I do this is by thinking, "We all have at least one good book in us: The story of our life." If you can ask the right questions to get the person to share his story, you will make a friend.
I make friends at events, but also on Facebook and Twitter with people I've never met face-to-face. I find all of these relationships rewarding. I don't necessarily have any intention to connect with these people in the future -- I just want to move through life feeling as though I've made the world a little bit smaller, brighter and more loving. We're all still kids on the playground at heart, just longing to belong.
4) Be generous.
At my lowest moment last year, after ending my tumultuous relationship of five years because my boyfriend broke off our engagement, I was devastated at the thought of starting over. I realized that the only way out of my mess of tangled emotions was to give. I raised $4,000 and took that money to Haiti, where I worked with my inspirational friend Alison Thompson in the tent villages, offering counseling, hugs and love. When I returned to San Francisco just 10 days later, I felt transformed: filled with gratitude for the many blessings in my life, and lifted up by the love the Haitians had poured out in the midst of their anguish.
Be generous not just with your time and money, but also with your praise of others. You can never tell those around you too much or too often how fabulous they are.
5) Lead with your vulnerability.
Listen to this: "Hi, I'm MeiMei. I graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Stanford. I published my first book at age 27..." Annoying, right? Makes you want to throw a cream pie in my face?
Now try this: "Hi, I'm MeiMei. I'm delighted to meet you. You know, I often get intimidated at events like these and as a result, I start rattling off my résumé. But that's no fun. I'm really just a geek at heart. Tell me about you."
In any social situation, if you start off with a list of your accomplishments, you're bound to elicit judgment from the other person. The moment you let down your guard, admit to a flaw and show people your scars, they begin to see you as a fellow human being who is dealing with the same struggles they're facing. You instantly move to a deeper level of communication and trust.
6) Don't be afraid to get sloppy.
I was raised to put on a good show. To be the perfect daughter who shows up at the dinner party in her sundress and greets the guests with a smile, no matter her mood. This is a valuable skill to have in life, without a doubt, and I thank my parents for it.
But in the past decade or so, I've found that the greatest moments of joyful connection to myself and others occur when I'm being authentic rather than polished and perfect. Just be real. Tell it like it is. People will love you for it. (You can read my previous post, "Where Spirituality Gets Sloppy," to learn more about how I take this approach to life.)
7) Love the Universe.
During my long dark night of the soul, my aunt Linda gave me an incredible book by Byron Katie called "A Thousand Names for Joy," in which she shares this mantra: "I am a lover of what is." When I read that line, it made perfect sense. Why struggle against what is so? Why not, as the Buddha instructs, view every challenging event and person you encounter as your perfect teacher?
Adopting this mantra worked. I stopped judging myself so harshly for being a single woman over 35 who had "failed" at having a family of her own. Instead I asked, "What can I do that my friends with kids can't do?" I took off for four months on a round-the-world adventure exploring critical water issues with Jacques Cousteau's granddaughter Alexandra as the Expedition Writer. I moved to Costa Rica for three months and learned to surf. I led a yoga retreat where we did daily volunteer service. I made the most of being unencumbered.
Here's what I think manifesting joy really boils down to: The more you love the Universe, the more it loves you. You can sulk, mope and despair about what's not right in your life, or you can look at what you do have and find something there to value and appreciate. Changing your attitude changes everything.
**Re-printed without permission**
No worries
There is an expression "Careful what you wish for, because you might just get it". It is often true and more so where people are concerned. When caring about someone that calls themselves your friend results in being told that I behave like a teenager, or that my expressing my concerns only adds to the other's stress, the only logical thing to do is to stop worrying. Because if caring and watching out for one's best friend is only adding to that friend's stress, it is not nice. So no more. No more worrying and stressing and losing sleep. No more will I be a bother with texts and phone calls because my "spidey senses" are going off like a three alarm fire in Buffalo. No longer will I be getting worked up and involving third parties because I am too far away to check for myself. If the next time that friend is at a random house in Mississauga enjoying a lovely cup of tea, I won't be on the other end of the phone stressing them out. When the friend has documents to sign, I won't be around to cause trouble by interferring. No worries, that's me. Because there are things that I can worry about and actually DO something about them. Like the pending collapse. And so, with this blog entry, I wish everyone a safe journey, but my focus is now on myself and surviving the coming social collapse. Best wishes to all, may your God keep you safe.
Spring is on the way!
Every year I look forward to the first signs of spring with great anticipation and this year is no exception. It is perhaps my least and most favourite time of the year, it can be cold, rainy and overcast, but it hold the promise of clean, warm, sunny days on the way. The rains wash away all the dirty snow and muck from the streets and sidewalks, it refreshes the earth and brings out all sorts of urban wildlife.This year is no different is those respects, but perhaps my perceptions and expectations may have changed. I am still looking forward to the clean warm and sunny days, and I am also anticipating many changes. I already see the signs, just like the early signs of spring, I see the changes to life as I have come to know it. There will be some messy situations, but overall, being surrounded by my amazing Zfriends and their willingness and determination to move forward, making those hard decisions together and working in unity to bring about the change we want to be in the world, it is rewarding.
The five year plan is coming along very well, and I might have to revisit that and perhaps add a few more items. Like the RV camper and Vespa that I want to get. The coming collapse is going to make it so that we will have to be mobile and versatile. Growing our own food, being able to survive creatively and collectively. Preparations must be made and there is no time left. But I don't want to be a chicken little, so I just keep things like that to myself. Well, not totally of course, because my Zfriends and I are working towards this goal of sustainability and independance from the system we are currently trapped in.
That's the way it can often be, no matter how lousy a situation or environment, we (people) are often like the "frog in the pot" annalogy that Al Gore used. We are becoming aware that the temperature around us is getting warmer, but it's not that uncomfortable yet, so we sit in the ever increasing temperature pot of water, and before we can make a break for it, it's too late, we're boiled.
Well, I guess there is no way to save anyone but myself, and so focus must be maintained. Spring is going to bring many changes.
Lies destroy all good things.
There are countless reasons, justifications, rationalizations, explanations and excuses but lies are the quickest and surest way to create mistrust and distrust between two people. Once that trust has been undermined, it is ever more difficult for the liar to stop and for the lied to - to trust again.
It is indeed kinder to slap someone than lie to them. The sting of the slap will only last minutes, the pain of the deceit will last a lifetime and undermine the listener's sense of security in the relationship. There is truly nothing good that can come from lying.
It's a girl thing.
Someone asked me the other day why I write and repost so much on the topic of m/f relationships and all the various ways that men mess up relationships and not so much on f/f and ways that women go wrong.
Well, fair enough, I guess I can expand my horizons and look at the dynamic of female relationships. Perhaps not the world's leading expert, to be certain, I have only been in one female/female relationship and from what I have seen, the stereotypical dymanic of m/f plays out all too often. What I mean by that is, whether it's physically or temperment or just the roles that people often slip into, is typical of male/female relationship roles. Often one will look more femme and the other more masculine, or one will be more submissive or domesticated. Now I don't know what to attribute this to, is it conditioning, is it nature? Hhhhmmm, uncertain on that, but it has been my observation that this is how it often plays out.
So my inquisitive nature aside, what advice would I give women in lesbian relationships? Well, regardless of gender, my one piece of advice for ANY type of relationship that you want any hope of longevity and sanity in, is COMMUNICATION. And that doesn't only mean one side, talking OR listening, but BOTH. Really doing your best to be honest and sincere and timely.
That's the one thing about women, because we often take time to process our feelings and thoughts, we may seem like we're coming to the party late. Men often find this confusing as do most women - funny enough. So I highly recommend frequent "girl talks" or "heart to heart" or whatever you want to call it. Don't let things brew or fester, it isn't our best quality. Keep things current and please girls, let's not bring up everything the person has done over the last number of years, be timely and current in your discussion.
For the time being, we'll leave it at that. I will hunt up interesting topics and share them or if you have a topic you'd like to discuss, feel free to share.
It's OK to use the word "bisexual".
Lately a favourite pet peeve of mine has resurfaced and I thought it high time that I posted my query online, perhaps in the off chance I might get an answer that makes a lick of sense to me.
Here it is: Why is there such hesitation and distaste for the utterance of the word "bisexual" to describe some one's sexual leanings? Especially in non-mainstream television and movies? The gay and lesbian community in particular and the attitudes often expressed makes me cynical to their supposed "open mindedness". The extent of biphobia I have encountered from the "Queer" community has been staggering, surprising and excluding. If I want to pretend to be Les, that's fine and I am welcomed with open arms into the stereotypical male bashing, u-haul trekking "sisterhood". But try and stand outside of that misapplied label, and the looks, oye!!
So, what is it? What scares those that are obviously scared of the word, bisexual? What projected fear is at the core of this scorn? The again stereotypical comments and remarks are also ones for serious eye rolling. It's not a phase, anymore than being gay or straight is. It's not an experiment and it's not an inability to commit or decide.
Bisexual people are simply evolved beyond the need to discriminate in their sexual partners based on their genitalia. It's about what between people's ears that is the base attraction for most of us. Yes, I said "us", as I include myself in the bisexual category (for those that haven't been reading my blogs, everyone is well clued in by now).
Sure, who doesn't appreciate a nice set of tits, or a tight little ass or whatever, but bisexual people tend to need something beyond that. And it's not a threat to anyone. Anymore than a straight person is to the opposite gender, it's about the person.
Is it because perhaps we blend it too well, and you'd like us to be more "visible"? Well, again, we don't often fit into molds and stereotypes.
If you have an answer or perhaps even a theory that you think "holds water", please feel free to post it.
Why Men Don't Listen to Women
**REPOSTED**
In a recent posting I identified a list of the wrong things to say to someone who is upset. Interestingly, this led to a lot of comments on The Huffington Post, which got me thinking. The first thought I had was, "Why do men find it so hard to validate women?"
Before I get into this, I'd like you to think about the research by psychologist John Gottman. Gottman has been able to predict with 91 percent accuracy which couples will end up getting divorced. He calls these "The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse" -- along with other problematic styles of communication. The Four Horsemen are Criticism ("You are always whining"), Contempt ("You're a basket case"), Defensiveness ("I'm not the problem, you are!") and Stonewalling (withdrawing or becoming silent). Other problematic styles include starting the conversation in a hostile or intense style, giving off body-language that is defensive or cold, flooding your partner with negativity, and bringing up past memories, complaints and injuries. When you can predict divorce with 91 percent accuracy you know you are on to something.
Now I don't want to claim that men are always the problem -- or that they are even more likely to be the problem than women are. No group is innocent, no group is perfect. But I can see that a lot of times men have a great deal of difficulty validating and emotionally supporting the women in their lives. Here are some reasons.
The Seven Reasons Men Don't Listen
It's a Power Struggle. Some men view intimate relationships as a win-lose game. If the woman is venting her feelings, then she is winning and the man is losing. As a result these men may try to dominate and control the woman, telling her that she is illogical, out of control or just a pain to deal with. One man says, "You want us to be doormats."
Sarcasm
Many men describe their interactions in terms of "sarcastic" comments -- put-downs, contempt, criticism and condescension. For example, some men respond with, "It must be that time of the month" or "Get me a beer" or other problematic and self-defeating comments. They think that sarcasm will get the woman to either shut up or help her see that she is being ridiculous. She gets the message that he not only doesn't care -- but that he is the last person to ask for support. He thinks he's clever and funny -- and she thinks he just doesn't get it.
Macho Thinking
A number of men comment that to validate or to use emotional language to support the woman is unmanly. "You are trying to make us into wusses," a number of men say. They believe that the role of the man is to be strong, above it, domineering. Validating and allowing emotional ventilation is for feminized men, men who have lost their dignity as "real men." The women may think that some of the macho confidence is appealing, until it leads them to feel that the only emotion they can get from him is his anger.
Emotional Dysregulation
Some men find it so upsetting, so emotionally arousing to listen to their partners that they feel they have to ventilate their anger or withdraw. In fact, this is supported by the research that shows that their pulse-rates escalate during conflict and they find this unbearable. As a result of their own escalating emotion -- which they can't tolerate -- they either try to get her to shut up -- or they leave the room. She feels controlled, marginalized and abandoned.
Not Wanting to Reinforce Whining
This is another reason that men give for not supporting or encouraging expression. They believe that validating and making time and space for their partner's expression will reinforce complaining which, in turn, will go on indefinitely. So they want to stop it immediately by using sarcasm, control or stonewalling. She feels that he won't let her talk, that he is cold, aloof, hostile. So she goes somewhere else to get that support -- another woman friend -- or another man.
Demand for Rationality
Some men believe that their partner should always be rational and that irrationality cannot be tolerated. Their response to their partner's apparent irrationality is to point out every error in her thinking, dismiss her, become sarcastic or withdraw. This demand for rationality or "the facts" might sound "mature" but I have yet to hear someone say that they have a great sex life because they have the facts on their side. Communication is often more about soothing, grooming, connecting -- less about simply giving you the information and being logical.
Problems Have to Be Solved
These men think that the main reason for communication is to share facts that then can be used for problem-solving. They think that venting and sharing feelings gets you nowhere and that if their partner is not willing to initiate problem-solving then she is being self-indulgent and wasting everyone's time and energy. When he jumps in with problem-solving, she either escalates the emotion which she believes is not heard, or she withdraws.
Well, ask yourself, "Have these responses really worked?" Why is this kind of behavior and thinking so predictive of divorce? If it's not working -- and you and your partner both know it's not -- then maybe it's time to think about making a change. You can change your partner -- break up, get divorced. Or, perhaps it would be easier to change your response to your partner. In a previous posting I listed some possible responses.
Let me go back to a fundamental part of intimate relationships. We want to feel that our partner cares about and respects our feelings. We want to believe that they have time to listen. We want to feel supported, soothed and that we are not a burden. The seven beliefs and styles above -- which many men use -- only alienate the women that they claim they love. If it's not working, why would you continue to act this way?
The answer may be that some men view relationships in terms of power and control. They believe that being real men means never giving up your power. They think that women need to be kept in their place, not "indulged," taught how to think rationally and solve real problems. Of course, rationality and problem-solving are important, but if your partner wants to be heard and respected you better find out first before you jump in and take control. Real men share power, real men are partners, real men know that real women need real respect.
Before I get into this, I'd like you to think about the research by psychologist John Gottman. Gottman has been able to predict with 91 percent accuracy which couples will end up getting divorced. He calls these "The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse" -- along with other problematic styles of communication. The Four Horsemen are Criticism ("You are always whining"), Contempt ("You're a basket case"), Defensiveness ("I'm not the problem, you are!") and Stonewalling (withdrawing or becoming silent). Other problematic styles include starting the conversation in a hostile or intense style, giving off body-language that is defensive or cold, flooding your partner with negativity, and bringing up past memories, complaints and injuries. When you can predict divorce with 91 percent accuracy you know you are on to something.
Now I don't want to claim that men are always the problem -- or that they are even more likely to be the problem than women are. No group is innocent, no group is perfect. But I can see that a lot of times men have a great deal of difficulty validating and emotionally supporting the women in their lives. Here are some reasons.
The Seven Reasons Men Don't Listen
It's a Power Struggle. Some men view intimate relationships as a win-lose game. If the woman is venting her feelings, then she is winning and the man is losing. As a result these men may try to dominate and control the woman, telling her that she is illogical, out of control or just a pain to deal with. One man says, "You want us to be doormats."
Sarcasm
Many men describe their interactions in terms of "sarcastic" comments -- put-downs, contempt, criticism and condescension. For example, some men respond with, "It must be that time of the month" or "Get me a beer" or other problematic and self-defeating comments. They think that sarcasm will get the woman to either shut up or help her see that she is being ridiculous. She gets the message that he not only doesn't care -- but that he is the last person to ask for support. He thinks he's clever and funny -- and she thinks he just doesn't get it.
Macho Thinking
A number of men comment that to validate or to use emotional language to support the woman is unmanly. "You are trying to make us into wusses," a number of men say. They believe that the role of the man is to be strong, above it, domineering. Validating and allowing emotional ventilation is for feminized men, men who have lost their dignity as "real men." The women may think that some of the macho confidence is appealing, until it leads them to feel that the only emotion they can get from him is his anger.
Emotional Dysregulation
Some men find it so upsetting, so emotionally arousing to listen to their partners that they feel they have to ventilate their anger or withdraw. In fact, this is supported by the research that shows that their pulse-rates escalate during conflict and they find this unbearable. As a result of their own escalating emotion -- which they can't tolerate -- they either try to get her to shut up -- or they leave the room. She feels controlled, marginalized and abandoned.
Not Wanting to Reinforce Whining
This is another reason that men give for not supporting or encouraging expression. They believe that validating and making time and space for their partner's expression will reinforce complaining which, in turn, will go on indefinitely. So they want to stop it immediately by using sarcasm, control or stonewalling. She feels that he won't let her talk, that he is cold, aloof, hostile. So she goes somewhere else to get that support -- another woman friend -- or another man.
Demand for Rationality
Some men believe that their partner should always be rational and that irrationality cannot be tolerated. Their response to their partner's apparent irrationality is to point out every error in her thinking, dismiss her, become sarcastic or withdraw. This demand for rationality or "the facts" might sound "mature" but I have yet to hear someone say that they have a great sex life because they have the facts on their side. Communication is often more about soothing, grooming, connecting -- less about simply giving you the information and being logical.
Problems Have to Be Solved
These men think that the main reason for communication is to share facts that then can be used for problem-solving. They think that venting and sharing feelings gets you nowhere and that if their partner is not willing to initiate problem-solving then she is being self-indulgent and wasting everyone's time and energy. When he jumps in with problem-solving, she either escalates the emotion which she believes is not heard, or she withdraws.
Well, ask yourself, "Have these responses really worked?" Why is this kind of behavior and thinking so predictive of divorce? If it's not working -- and you and your partner both know it's not -- then maybe it's time to think about making a change. You can change your partner -- break up, get divorced. Or, perhaps it would be easier to change your response to your partner. In a previous posting I listed some possible responses.
Let me go back to a fundamental part of intimate relationships. We want to feel that our partner cares about and respects our feelings. We want to believe that they have time to listen. We want to feel supported, soothed and that we are not a burden. The seven beliefs and styles above -- which many men use -- only alienate the women that they claim they love. If it's not working, why would you continue to act this way?
The answer may be that some men view relationships in terms of power and control. They believe that being real men means never giving up your power. They think that women need to be kept in their place, not "indulged," taught how to think rationally and solve real problems. Of course, rationality and problem-solving are important, but if your partner wants to be heard and respected you better find out first before you jump in and take control. Real men share power, real men are partners, real men know that real women need real respect.
Life is a journey, not a destination
When I first started the latest five-year plan, I wasn't sure about all that I would have to remove from my life in order to make room for the new adventures and opportunities, but I knew that certain people simply did not fit into my life any longer, and as much as I wanted to pretend or hope otherwise, the truth could not be denied or negated. While it took some doing and it wasn't easy to do, the end result has been a remarkably positive transformation in my personal life. More time to think about matters that are important to me, not being distracted by other people's needs or even being concerned about anyone else's schedule or feelings. Living alone is once again just that, alone, rather than lonely.
I am also rediscovering that I may be a bit of "a lone wolf" by nature and somewhat by nurture, but that was primarily because I simply do not related to the "normal" or "typical" or "average". As a matter of fact, I don't WANT to relate to "average". I find it boring and pointless to dumb myself down for the benefit of others. If they can't be bothered to elevate their thinking or attitudes, it's their perogative and I respect it, but there is no reason why I must tolerate it or enable it. So, I adopt the "polite" facade where/when the company of the "average" can't be avoided, and where/when it can, I avoid it at all costs.
The journey that I am on now is one of freedom, honesty, learning, growing and nurturing. Having done the "polite" and "typical" and "normal" I am more convinced then ever that I simply don't have the patience or inclination to put up with "average". I enjoy the challenge that my friends bring me, they make me a better person by making me look at my thoughts and actions and dispose of anything that does not benefit me in the short or long term.
Life is a big bold daring adventure, or it is nothing at all. That quote reminds often me that life is a journey, not a destination and I am so enjoying this particular leg of my life's journey. No more being lonely and taken for granted. I have also promised myself that I will not distrust my gut again or at least, not at the expense of my emotional/mental/spiritual health. If the person/people in my life find it impossible to comply with some basic ideals and share a common peace loving philosophy, there is no reason for us to associate. Especially in a personal relationship, because there is nothing I can do regarding the people that come into TZM-Toronto, it's an open and free-for-all movement.
I have people to be affectionate with, friends that are true and show their feelings, we enjoy each other's company, learn together, grow together, hug, cuddle, and generally be loving to each other. I also have my special gal pal, where the intimacy is very fulliling because it's not merely physical, but truly intimate it all senses. I have meaningful employment - not many people can say that in our money hungry world. How lucky can one person get?
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