Twisting yourself into fancy positions, lasting all night long, hauling in all kinds of gadgets, toys, and fancy lingerie: These are the things our society tends to push as necessary accoutrements to a long-lasting steamy sex life.
But Ottawa-based sex therapist and psychologist and her team of trusty research colleagues have unlocked the secret of great sex. And...wait for it...it is....drum roll please... 'being present, connection, deep sexual and erotic intimacy, extraordinary communication, interpersonal risk-taking and exploration, authenticity, vulnerability and transcendence.'
I know, hardly the stuff of Cosmo's endless 'hottest new tips to a mind-blowing sex life' lists. Or, of quick-fix society that would much rather have a pill or a nose-spray or some other instant solution to improve their lackluster sex life.
And, most interesting, the bulk of Kleinplatz' research was conducted among older couples who'd been together for years. In a society that suggests sex is steamiest among young, beautiful hard-bodied hotties, it is undoubtedly refreshing news.
During their 5-year study, Kleinplatz and her colleagues conducted extensive interviews with people from three groups who reported that they enjoyed 'great sex' with their partner. The largest group being older people with a lifetime of experience, the second being people from sexual minorities (e.g., gay men, bisexual women), and the third being professional sex therapists.
In an interview in the Winnipeg Free Press, Kleinplatz is quoted as saying that, 'Unfortunately, popular culture tells people that great sex is about varying your routines, trying new positions, buying new sex toys.[...] Many people have bought into the message that if your sex life seems kind of dull, just spice it up.'
This sort of marketing, she says, just makes people feel more insecure about their sex lives and uneducated about their sexual technique because they are led to believe that the secret to sexual fulfillment is technical, that it's about better manual and oral stimulation techniques.
'No one had bothered to investigate empirically what makes for memorable, fulfilling, optimal sexuality,' adds Kleinplatz.
As a result, the reality of our partner's sexual needs is often different than our perception of them. For example, in the study, participants revealed how often they thought their partner wanted to have sex and, while the results showed that men's ideal frequency for sexual behaviours was greater than women's, both partners perceived each other's desired frequencies to be different than they actually were. In fact, the women often assumed their male partner wanted it much more than he actually did.
And, when participants were asked about the role that orgasm played in great sex, a higher number of participants said it was not terribly important.
The study, 'The Components of Optimal Sexuality: A Portrait of 'Great Sex'' is published in the current issue in The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality.
