The Life Out Loud: 7 Secrets to a More Joyful Existence

1) Celebrate!

As life coach Amy Martinez Wong puts it, "Why shouldn't you throw a party every night?" Celebrate everyone and everything as much as possible.

Most importantly, celebrate yourself. Put on your power anthem -- whether it's Nikki Minaj's "Moment 4 Life" or Abba's "Dancing Queen" -- and do a victory dance around your living room when you accomplish a task, no matter how small. Heck, you can even celebrate that delicious bite of almond butter toast you just had for breakfast. Don't wait for an excuse.

Celebrate others, too: Be delighted by their success. Help them spread the good news by offering to take them out for a cocktail or high tea and posting to your Facebook Page about it. Cultivate an infectious enthusiasm for life, and others will be attracted to you like bees to honey. Your joy will multiply exponentially.

2) Strive to be awestruck.

Awe is one of my favorite emotions. It's the reason why I have gone to Burning Man for nine out of the past 10 years. I walk around the temporary city that arises out of the desert landscape with my jaw dragging across the dusty earth for an entire week. Wonderstruck. People's costumes, the art cars, the music, the performances and then the actual art itself -- they make me say, "Wow. OMG, did you see that? Wow!"

Awe, for me, is when God is most present on this plane of existence. I feel as though I can reach out and touch the divine. Awe restores my faith in humanity by reminding me what we're capable of creating.

You might experience awe in the presence of nature, something I do, as well. If that's the case, get yourself out into the mountains for a bike ride, to the beach for a walk, to the forest to commune with the trees. Make saying "That's awesome" a priority in your life.

3) Make friends.

Start with an open heart and mind whenever you approach someone new. Even if you don't like her at first, give her a chance. The way I do this is by thinking, "We all have at least one good book in us: The story of our life." If you can ask the right questions to get the person to share his story, you will make a friend.

I make friends at events, but also on Facebook and Twitter with people I've never met face-to-face. I find all of these relationships rewarding. I don't necessarily have any intention to connect with these people in the future -- I just want to move through life feeling as though I've made the world a little bit smaller, brighter and more loving. We're all still kids on the playground at heart, just longing to belong.

4) Be generous.

At my lowest moment last year, after ending my tumultuous relationship of five years because my boyfriend broke off our engagement, I was devastated at the thought of starting over. I realized that the only way out of my mess of tangled emotions was to give. I raised $4,000 and took that money to Haiti, where I worked with my inspirational friend Alison Thompson in the tent villages, offering counseling, hugs and love. When I returned to San Francisco just 10 days later, I felt transformed: filled with gratitude for the many blessings in my life, and lifted up by the love the Haitians had poured out in the midst of their anguish.

Be generous not just with your time and money, but also with your praise of others. You can never tell those around you too much or too often how fabulous they are.

5) Lead with your vulnerability.

Listen to this: "Hi, I'm MeiMei. I graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Stanford. I published my first book at age 27..." Annoying, right? Makes you want to throw a cream pie in my face?

Now try this: "Hi, I'm MeiMei. I'm delighted to meet you. You know, I often get intimidated at events like these and as a result, I start rattling off my résumé. But that's no fun. I'm really just a geek at heart. Tell me about you."

In any social situation, if you start off with a list of your accomplishments, you're bound to elicit judgment from the other person. The moment you let down your guard, admit to a flaw and show people your scars, they begin to see you as a fellow human being who is dealing with the same struggles they're facing. You instantly move to a deeper level of communication and trust.

6) Don't be afraid to get sloppy.

I was raised to put on a good show. To be the perfect daughter who shows up at the dinner party in her sundress and greets the guests with a smile, no matter her mood. This is a valuable skill to have in life, without a doubt, and I thank my parents for it.

But in the past decade or so, I've found that the greatest moments of joyful connection to myself and others occur when I'm being authentic rather than polished and perfect. Just be real. Tell it like it is. People will love you for it. (You can read my previous post, "Where Spirituality Gets Sloppy," to learn more about how I take this approach to life.)

7) Love the Universe.

During my long dark night of the soul, my aunt Linda gave me an incredible book by Byron Katie called "A Thousand Names for Joy," in which she shares this mantra: "I am a lover of what is." When I read that line, it made perfect sense. Why struggle against what is so? Why not, as the Buddha instructs, view every challenging event and person you encounter as your perfect teacher?

Adopting this mantra worked. I stopped judging myself so harshly for being a single woman over 35 who had "failed" at having a family of her own. Instead I asked, "What can I do that my friends with kids can't do?" I took off for four months on a round-the-world adventure exploring critical water issues with Jacques Cousteau's granddaughter Alexandra as the Expedition Writer. I moved to Costa Rica for three months and learned to surf. I led a yoga retreat where we did daily volunteer service. I made the most of being unencumbered.

Here's what I think manifesting joy really boils down to: The more you love the Universe, the more it loves you. You can sulk, mope and despair about what's not right in your life, or you can look at what you do have and find something there to value and appreciate. Changing your attitude changes everything.

**Re-printed without permission**

Tell Somebody

Money, money, money

There are too many signs to ignore.

Losing Ground

Children and Youth exploited

No worries

There is an expression "Careful what you wish for, because you might just get it". It is often true and more so where people are concerned. When caring about someone that calls themselves your friend results in being told that I behave like a teenager, or that my expressing my concerns only adds to the other's stress, the only logical thing to do is to stop worrying. Because if caring and watching out for one's best friend is only adding to that friend's stress, it is not nice. So no more. No more worrying and stressing and losing sleep. No more will I be a bother with texts and phone calls because my "spidey senses" are going off like a three alarm fire in Buffalo. No longer will I be getting worked up and involving third parties because I am too far away to check for myself. If the next time that friend is at a random house in Mississauga enjoying a lovely cup of tea, I won't be on the other end of the phone stressing them out. When the friend has documents to sign, I won't be around to cause trouble by interferring. No worries, that's me. Because there are things that I can worry about and actually DO something about them. Like the pending collapse. And so, with this blog entry, I wish everyone a safe journey, but my focus is now on myself and surviving the coming social collapse. Best wishes to all, may your God keep you safe.

Blind Spot

Spring is on the way!

Every year I look forward to the first signs of spring with great anticipation and this year is no exception. It is perhaps my least and most favourite time of the year, it can be cold, rainy and overcast, but it hold the promise of clean, warm, sunny days on the way. The rains wash away all the dirty snow and muck from the streets and sidewalks, it refreshes the earth and brings out all sorts of urban wildlife.

This year is no different is those respects, but perhaps my perceptions and expectations may have changed. I am still looking forward to the clean warm and sunny days, and I am also anticipating many changes. I already see the signs, just like the early signs of spring, I see the changes to life as I have come to know it. There will be some messy situations, but overall, being surrounded by my amazing Zfriends and their willingness and determination to move forward, making those hard decisions together and working in unity to bring about the change we want to be in the world, it is rewarding.

The five year plan is coming along very well, and I might have to revisit that and perhaps add a few more items. Like the RV camper and Vespa that I want to get. The coming collapse is going to make it so that we will have to be mobile and versatile. Growing our own food, being able to survive creatively and collectively. Preparations must be made and there is no time left. But I don't want to be a chicken little, so I just keep things like that to myself. Well, not totally of course, because my Zfriends and I are working towards this goal of sustainability and independance from the system we are currently trapped in.

That's the way it can often be, no matter how lousy a situation or environment, we (people) are often like the "frog in the pot" annalogy that Al Gore used. We are becoming aware that the temperature around us is getting warmer, but it's not that uncomfortable yet, so we sit in the ever increasing temperature pot of water, and before we can make a break for it, it's too late, we're boiled.

Well, I guess there is no way to save anyone but myself, and so focus must be maintained. Spring is going to bring many changes.

Lies destroy all good things.

There are countless reasons, justifications, rationalizations, explanations and excuses but lies are the quickest and surest way to create mistrust and distrust between two people. Once that trust has been undermined, it is ever more difficult for the liar to stop and for the lied to - to trust again.

It is indeed kinder to slap someone than lie to them. The sting of the slap will only last minutes, the pain of the deceit will last a lifetime and undermine the listener's sense of security in the relationship. There is truly nothing good that can come from lying.

How to enjoy your next colonoscopy

Extreme

It's a girl thing.

Someone asked me the other day why I write and repost so much on the topic of m/f relationships and all the various ways that men mess up relationships and not so much on f/f and ways that women go wrong.

Well, fair enough, I guess I can expand my horizons and look at the dynamic of female relationships. Perhaps not the world's leading expert, to be certain, I have only been in one female/female relationship and from what I have seen, the stereotypical dymanic of m/f plays out all too often. What I mean by that is, whether it's physically or temperment or just the roles that people often slip into, is typical of male/female relationship roles. Often one will look more femme and the other more masculine, or one will be more submissive or domesticated. Now I don't know what to attribute this to, is it conditioning, is it nature? Hhhhmmm, uncertain on that, but it has been my observation that this is how it often plays out.

So my inquisitive nature aside, what advice would I give women in lesbian relationships? Well, regardless of gender, my one piece of advice for ANY type of relationship that you want any hope of longevity and sanity in, is COMMUNICATION. And that doesn't only mean one side, talking OR listening, but BOTH. Really doing your best to be honest and sincere and timely.

That's the one thing about women, because we often take time to process our feelings and thoughts, we may seem like we're coming to the party late. Men often find this confusing as do most women - funny enough. So I highly recommend frequent "girl talks" or "heart to heart" or whatever you want to call it. Don't let things brew or fester, it isn't our best quality. Keep things current and please girls, let's not bring up everything the person has done over the last number of years, be timely and current in your discussion.

For the time being, we'll leave it at that. I will hunt up interesting topics and share them or if you have a topic you'd like to discuss, feel free to share.

It's OK to use the word "bisexual".

Lately a favourite pet peeve of mine has resurfaced and I thought it high time that I posted my query online, perhaps in the off chance I might get an answer that makes a lick of sense to me.

Here it is: Why is there such hesitation and distaste for the utterance of the word "bisexual" to describe some one's sexual leanings? Especially in non-mainstream television and movies? The gay and lesbian community in particular and the attitudes often expressed makes me cynical to their supposed "open mindedness". The extent of biphobia I have encountered from the "Queer" community has been staggering, surprising and excluding. If I want to pretend to be Les, that's fine and I am welcomed with open arms into the stereotypical male bashing, u-haul trekking "sisterhood". But try and stand outside of that misapplied label, and the looks, oye!!

So, what is it? What scares those that are obviously scared of the word, bisexual? What projected fear is at the core of this scorn? The again stereotypical comments and remarks are also ones for serious eye rolling. It's not a phase, anymore than being gay or straight is. It's not an experiment and it's not an inability to commit or decide.

Bisexual people are simply evolved beyond the need to discriminate in their sexual partners based on their genitalia. It's about what between people's ears that is the base attraction for most of us. Yes, I said "us", as I include myself in the bisexual category (for those that haven't been reading my blogs, everyone is well clued in by now).

Sure, who doesn't appreciate a nice set of tits, or a tight little ass or whatever, but bisexual people tend to need something beyond that. And it's not a threat to anyone. Anymore than a straight person is to the opposite gender, it's about the person.

Is it because perhaps we blend it too well, and you'd like us to be more "visible"? Well, again, we don't often fit into molds and stereotypes.

If you have an answer or perhaps even a theory that you think "holds water", please feel free to post it.

Why Men Don't Listen to Women

**REPOSTED**

In a recent posting I identified a list of the wrong things to say to someone who is upset. Interestingly, this led to a lot of comments on The Huffington Post, which got me thinking. The first thought I had was, "Why do men find it so hard to validate women?"

Before I get into this, I'd like you to think about the research by psychologist John Gottman. Gottman has been able to predict with 91 percent accuracy which couples will end up getting divorced. He calls these "The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse" -- along with other problematic styles of communication. The Four Horsemen are Criticism ("You are always whining"), Contempt ("You're a basket case"), Defensiveness ("I'm not the problem, you are!") and Stonewalling (withdrawing or becoming silent). Other problematic styles include starting the conversation in a hostile or intense style, giving off body-language that is defensive or cold, flooding your partner with negativity, and bringing up past memories, complaints and injuries. When you can predict divorce with 91 percent accuracy you know you are on to something.

Now I don't want to claim that men are always the problem -- or that they are even more likely to be the problem than women are. No group is innocent, no group is perfect. But I can see that a lot of times men have a great deal of difficulty validating and emotionally supporting the women in their lives. Here are some reasons.


The Seven Reasons Men Don't Listen

It's a Power Struggle. Some men view intimate relationships as a win-lose game. If the woman is venting her feelings, then she is winning and the man is losing. As a result these men may try to dominate and control the woman, telling her that she is illogical, out of control or just a pain to deal with. One man says, "You want us to be doormats."

Sarcasm

Many men describe their interactions in terms of "sarcastic" comments -- put-downs, contempt, criticism and condescension. For example, some men respond with, "It must be that time of the month" or "Get me a beer" or other problematic and self-defeating comments. They think that sarcasm will get the woman to either shut up or help her see that she is being ridiculous. She gets the message that he not only doesn't care -- but that he is the last person to ask for support. He thinks he's clever and funny -- and she thinks he just doesn't get it.


Macho Thinking

A number of men comment that to validate or to use emotional language to support the woman is unmanly. "You are trying to make us into wusses," a number of men say. They believe that the role of the man is to be strong, above it, domineering. Validating and allowing emotional ventilation is for feminized men, men who have lost their dignity as "real men." The women may think that some of the macho confidence is appealing, until it leads them to feel that the only emotion they can get from him is his anger.


Emotional Dysregulation

Some men find it so upsetting, so emotionally arousing to listen to their partners that they feel they have to ventilate their anger or withdraw. In fact, this is supported by the research that shows that their pulse-rates escalate during conflict and they find this unbearable. As a result of their own escalating emotion -- which they can't tolerate -- they either try to get her to shut up -- or they leave the room. She feels controlled, marginalized and abandoned.


Not Wanting to Reinforce Whining

This is another reason that men give for not supporting or encouraging expression. They believe that validating and making time and space for their partner's expression will reinforce complaining which, in turn, will go on indefinitely. So they want to stop it immediately by using sarcasm, control or stonewalling. She feels that he won't let her talk, that he is cold, aloof, hostile. So she goes somewhere else to get that support -- another woman friend -- or another man.


Demand for Rationality

Some men believe that their partner should always be rational and that irrationality cannot be tolerated. Their response to their partner's apparent irrationality is to point out every error in her thinking, dismiss her, become sarcastic or withdraw. This demand for rationality or "the facts" might sound "mature" but I have yet to hear someone say that they have a great sex life because they have the facts on their side. Communication is often more about soothing, grooming, connecting -- less about simply giving you the information and being logical.


Problems Have to Be Solved

These men think that the main reason for communication is to share facts that then can be used for problem-solving. They think that venting and sharing feelings gets you nowhere and that if their partner is not willing to initiate problem-solving then she is being self-indulgent and wasting everyone's time and energy. When he jumps in with problem-solving, she either escalates the emotion which she believes is not heard, or she withdraws.

Well, ask yourself, "Have these responses really worked?" Why is this kind of behavior and thinking so predictive of divorce? If it's not working -- and you and your partner both know it's not -- then maybe it's time to think about making a change. You can change your partner -- break up, get divorced. Or, perhaps it would be easier to change your response to your partner. In a previous posting I listed some possible responses.

Let me go back to a fundamental part of intimate relationships. We want to feel that our partner cares about and respects our feelings. We want to believe that they have time to listen. We want to feel supported, soothed and that we are not a burden. The seven beliefs and styles above -- which many men use -- only alienate the women that they claim they love. If it's not working, why would you continue to act this way?

The answer may be that some men view relationships in terms of power and control. They believe that being real men means never giving up your power. They think that women need to be kept in their place, not "indulged," taught how to think rationally and solve real problems. Of course, rationality and problem-solving are important, but if your partner wants to be heard and respected you better find out first before you jump in and take control. Real men share power, real men are partners, real men know that real women need real respect.

Zeitgeist III - Moving Forward

The Canadian Dream

Life is a journey, not a destination

When I first started the latest five-year plan, I wasn't sure about all that I would have to remove from my life in order to make room for the new adventures and opportunities, but I knew that certain people simply did not fit into my life any longer, and as much as I wanted to pretend or hope otherwise, the truth could not be denied or negated. While it took some doing and it wasn't easy to do, the end result has been a remarkably positive transformation in my personal life. More time to think about matters that are important to me, not being distracted by other people's needs or even being concerned about anyone else's schedule or feelings. Living alone is once again just that, alone, rather than lonely.

I am also rediscovering that I may be a bit of "a lone wolf" by nature and somewhat by nurture, but that was primarily because I simply do not related to the "normal" or "typical" or "average". As a matter of fact, I don't WANT to relate to "average". I find it boring and pointless to dumb myself down for the benefit of others. If they can't be bothered to elevate their thinking or attitudes, it's their perogative and I respect it, but there is no reason why I must tolerate it or enable it. So, I adopt the "polite" facade where/when the company of the "average" can't be avoided, and where/when it can, I avoid it at all costs.

The journey that I am on now is one of freedom, honesty, learning, growing and nurturing. Having done the "polite" and "typical" and "normal" I am more convinced then ever that I simply don't have the patience or inclination to put up with "average". I enjoy the challenge that my friends bring me, they make me a better person by making me look at my thoughts and actions and dispose of anything that does not benefit me in the short or long term.

Life is a big bold daring adventure, or it is nothing at all. That quote reminds often me that life is a journey, not a destination and I am so enjoying this particular leg of my life's journey. No more being lonely and taken for granted. I have also promised myself that I will not distrust my gut again or at least, not at the expense of my emotional/mental/spiritual health. If the person/people in my life find it impossible to comply with some basic ideals and share a common peace loving philosophy, there is no reason for us to associate. Especially in a personal relationship, because there is nothing I can do regarding the people that come into TZM-Toronto, it's an open and free-for-all movement.

I have people to be affectionate with, friends that are true and show their feelings, we enjoy each other's company, learn together, grow together, hug, cuddle, and generally be loving to each other. I also have my special gal pal, where the intimacy is very fulliling because it's not merely physical, but truly intimate it all senses. I have meaningful employment - not many people can say that in our money hungry world. How lucky can one person get?

Zeitgeist III - Moving Forward

Back by popular demand - Encore presentation of

Zeitgeist III - Moving Forward

Saturday January 22, 2011 - 8:30pm - The Underground Cinema - 186 Spadina Road

Toronto Premiere - January 15, 2011

Bathurst Cinema - 9:30pm

Pay What You Can

Ask and you shall receive

That is what I have come to understand about life. Ask and you shall receive. Along with that though, one should also keep in mind another saying "Careful what you wish for, because you might just get it."
So, this time, I am going to be very specific in what I am seeking in an "Imzadi" and will not settle for anything less than.

The term is from Star Trek TNG - but I was reminded by a former roommate of its existence and meaning. According to Wikipedia - the meaning of Imzadi, "...is the Betazoid word for one's first true love, although not necessarily first sexual partner."

Therefore, the person most suitable for me, as a life partner, someone to take the journey of life with, will be someone with deep empathy, someone who is not a hypocrite ("Oh you're so perfect, I would die for you...") only to turn around and break the land speed record in a matter of days clearing out. Someone with some balls and guts to face life head on and the guts to stick it out when things get tough. Someone both intellectually and emotionally developed and spiritually awake. Not religious, have no use for that pathology, but someone in touch with their spirit/soul.

Someone who's life is not just a series of self-indulgent preoccupations, but someone that is actually concerned with life, the world and wants to lead a meaningful existence.

Someone that understands how precious time is and wastes not a second of it on fruitless, hedonistic pleasures, but rather derives pleasure from helping others.

Someone articulate, socially graceful and well rounded. Someone that is more than a warm body in social situations.

A person who is capable of a range of emotions and isn't afraid to express them. Someone that is able to grow and learn from their mistakes, as well as learn from the mistakes of others.

Someone that has a balanced (see non-codependent) relationship with their parents, in other words, they don't live in their parent's basement (literally or psychologically).

A person that is credible and actually does what they say. Lives by the creedo "Say what you mean and mean what you say".

You may have noticed how I didn't specify any demographics, age, race, gender, etc. because those are not criteria that matter. I have met people from all walks of life and my Imzadi is not defined by such criteria, but rather the depth of their character. Someone that is tried and tested and has come through hardships in life with a positive attitude and isn't psychologically fractured into compliance. Someone with balls and guts to stand up to the coming tyranny and not fold like a shirt at the first challenge.

Until that person materializes, I am more than happy with Sarah and my other friends (Zcrew!! love you) and won't be bothering with people that just don't get me, or try to tell me that I have "episodes" when they are thoughtless and lie and try to make me think that I am somehow the one "reading too much into things".

No, I deserve a real Imzadi, not someone who "will try".

As the Chinese saying goes, "There is only "do", there is no "try".