So the process continues with renewed focus, greater clarity of the desired result and renewed hope. It might be the turning of the calendar to a new year, or simply the need to move forward and despite both personal and global dire financial straits, I am hopeful looking forward. It might simply be the fact that I know that sometimes in order to build something better, you need to deconstruct what exists. Something like the picture here, maybe it's that the old structure is outdated or outmoded and even though you've tried your very valiant best to keep it up, finally you have to step back, re-evaluate the big picture and if it doesn't match what you see in your mind's eye, you just have to suck it up and start again.
With regards to the global picture, well, I can't worry about something I can have no affect on, so I don't even bother trying. Yes, it does worry me on how it might affect me on a personal level, losing my job now would be the last straw for this camel's back. That is why I am so grateful of having the position I do, it's not perfect and there are no guarantees in life, but it's as close as I will ever be to a "safe" job. So that is one less worry, but on a deeper level, being broke and living on a tight budget for at least this year, is something that will take some adjusting. I have done it before and under tighter and more stressful circumstances, so I know how, it's just that no one likes to be poor, me among them. Mind you, I am not high spending, high maintenance type of gal anyways, but well, I do like my creature comforts and ease of cash flow. Oh well, that's the least of my concerns to be frank, money has always been just a means to and end for me.
Reconstructing a personal life, now that's a much bigger goal.
First step, start with the end result in mind. To use the picture of the house again to illustrate this, kind of like the finished "artist's depiction" of a construction project. Working backwards, getting down to the architectural plans, the "how" of it all. So, I have been seriously pondering what I want my life to look like, what I want it to include and not include, where the boundaries are and how firm they are set. Yeah, big heady stuff to be sure. Again, it's not like I had much of a choice and could go on coasting as I had been doing for the last year, merely coping and dealing with everything life was throwing at me. I have to start by playing a more active role in the construction of my life and stop merely reacting to events. More proactive and less reactive. Or as the kids say "it's time to get real with myself".
So, what do I want my life to look, feel, sound, smell, be like? Well, this is where it gets interesting, to say the least. I have discovered, sometimes through painful life experiences, that one must be careful what they wish for, because once you put it out into the ether, the universe will respond, just not always the way one might have expected. So, perhaps for here, I will keep it to the general overview and not mess with the universe too much.
First off, I would like to declare myself a bachelor(ete) that is not the same as "never", because that is a long time, but until I find someone that is truly my equal in spirit, I see no other reason to get married. If being engaged to my ex-g/f taught me anything, its that you can't row the boat by yourself, not for long anyways. So, like George Clooney said, until that time comes, I am single.
In this same vain, and should any of my friends, or Friends With Benefits who might be reading this, you know I adore you and cherish the time we spend together, so please don't look at my need for Independence as a reflection on you in any negative way.
To anyone who I might have come across during my summer on CL or wherever else and you found this blog, please understand that there are only so many hours in a day and I wish it could have worked out, but I am done with the searching process and now working on nurturing and deepening the relationships that have formed.
So, there is also work, volunteer work, recreation, and other areas of my life that I need to focus on, not to mention the constant issue of finances and you can see that I really have my plate full. Which is good, not complaining mind you, just observing the blessing of having such a rich and full life in so many ways. The most precious thing of all being the freedom that I have, especially living in a country like Canada, with opportunities galore. Where being female, or bi or an immigrant or whatever is not an obstacle to fulfilling my dreams and aspirations. As well as having resources available to me in health care, business and recreation to utilize, often for free or a minimal user fee, this is nothing to sneeze at.
While I am not into making new year's resolutions, some future habits that I would like to possess though, include: being more appreciate to those that are good to me, telling them as well as showing them. People also need to hear it as well as see that you appreciate them and so, focus less on those that don't or didn't measure up and be more centered on those that did/do.
I will never be a lover of money, but I need to be more creative in my spending or not spending. Finding non-monetary ways to get what I might want or need. It's too easy a habit I formed to spend my way out of situations. You can't always spend your way out of things. I am also not getting any younger, and I will need money to live on when the old back is too old and tired to work, so, taking advantage of money saving opportunities the government is offering is one way to ensure my financial future.
But, I have rambled on long enough for one entry. As I work out more details I will put them down here, I am not much for keeping journals and such, but I guess you could say that's what this is.
Be safe in your travels and may 2009 be your year for abundance in all good things in life.
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