Early results are very promising

For the whole of my life I have been highly empathic and more often than not, it has been at the cost of my emotional well being. Therefore, after many decades of repeating this experience I finally reached the conclusion that it is not a sensible long-term state of existence and decided to switch it off. (Minor adjustments are not possible as it is an on/off switch).

What does that mean in practical terms? It's the attitude I see around me most often. The "I don't get involved" shrug. The only perspective that matters is "me, mine, I".

For example, in past (as well as the current) relationships, I always put the relationship first, ahead of me and my needs. If my mate needed something, I would be there, even if it meant losing sleep, or money or time or whatever. Always there to listen and support and help sort things out, etc.

Over the last month or more however, I have adopted this new approach to life and have put my needs/wants/desires first. If something needs doing, I don't just jump in as I use to, but rather consider things differently. "Is this my mess?" or "do I feel like it?" or "what's in it for me?" and so on. This has been applied across the board, from employment, volunteer work, friendships, etc. and even though it is counter-intuitive and sometimes I still have the compulsion to be "helpful" am I learning that its best if I mind my own business.

The end result has been: greatly reduced stress, an increase in time available to pursue my interests and hobbies, and overall people seem to be more interested in my opinions and generally spending time with me the more I am "unavailable".

I have also adopted the "polite facade" and seldom if ever tell people the honest truth. I don't lie, no, that's going too far. But I have learned the benefits of "keeping my mouth shut" and never expressing a real or honest opinion or point of view. Just about everything is met with "that's great" response, no matter how stupid or inane I feel it is. Seems people are happier living with bullshit and insincerity. Why should I bother trying to wake them up to facts and reality?

Let's be clear though, there are still a few people that I consider "real friends" and we do discuss things openly and honestly, even if when we disagree with each other. Nivie, Adam, Pip and Tiff come readily to mind. Real people with real opinions and feelings. Very worthwhile. But for the most part, everyone else seems satisfied with the "polite" facade, so why spoil things? If they choose to believe that I agree with them or concur with their advice, so be it.

I am also learning that it's better to not offer an opinion or even tell someone they are heading off a cliff, but permit them to learn from falling on their face. Finally accepted that it's not my responsibility or job to prevent other people from stepping in a big stinking pile of shit. As a matter of fact, there are a couple of folks that in past have argued and refused to listen to reason, and these people are especially gratifying to see struggle and fail. Think it sounds petty and small? Well, perhaps, but like I said, you can't argue with results.

Take work for example. For the last decade I have been taken for granted and my work stolen and credit given to lackeys and so on. So, now, I let them struggle with the smallest things and if no one asks for my assistance, I don't offer it. Why should I bother?
Prelim results indicate that this is the best approach as I was nominated for an award from our department. You can't argue with results.

Another example would be my "boyfriend" and I say that with quotes because in reality he is merely a roommate with occasional "benefits". I started off as is typical of me in intimate relationships, offering up my best freely and hoping that I might get some of it back. But as it turns out, that is not the case. So, now that I am no longer "bat shit crazy in love with him" and he sees the difference, he is suddenly interested in what I am doing, how I am feeling, and wants to be with me. That's fine, his company is not offensive, but I no longer have the same emotional vestment. It is freeing actually. Tons of time has become available to me again by not bothering to cook for him, or wait for him or look after him the way I did before. I no longer invite him along, and suddenly he is eager to be in my company. You can't argue with results.

Then there is the volunteer work I do. I use to be so dedicated that I was committed to something 4 nights a week just within one organization. At the cost of my health - both physical and mental - and what was the end result? Did anyone appreciate my efforts, my dedication? No. So, when it came time again to commit to the next year, I opted out. When asked to participate in a lesser capacity, I thought about it "what's in it for me?" and decided nothing. The role would not be very satisfying for me. So, politely I made some excuse about having other obligations and left it at that. Now, all of a sudden, it's "oh we miss you". What a crock of insincere horse shit! But again, can't argue with results.

People who call themselves my "friend" but are only available when they have needs, I make polite excuses and don't bother following up with them. When I was all thoughtful and considerate and offered this assistance or whatever, again, taken for granted and put on a shelf until the next time they needed something. The endless excuses I would make for people's poor behaviour and thoughtlessness now make me wonder just why I tolerated it for so long. Well, I guess you could say I am stubborn and really did think that being honest, sincere and a true friend mattered for something in life. I am a great many things, but too stupid to learn from my own mistakes, I am not.

So, I will continue on this path and keep you posted on the journey.