That is what I have done, simply made up my mind. Once the emotions run themselves out, once the reality is digested and accepted for what it is, there is only one thing left to do. Make up one's mind about what they want to do with their life. So, it has come to that point in my life once again, when I can say with total confidence, that I gave it my most honest, sincere and dedicated attempt, but finally have to be realistic. Accept what is and not try to wish it were otherwise.
Primarily I speak of my personal relationships. First among them is the one with my "Imzadi", but that's the saddest part of this realization, it's that we're not really two souls fated to explore life's many wonders together. He is a real love, a wonderful and marvelous human being, and I will always adore him and cherish the time we spent together. After much heart wrenching I finally had to accept that I have a limited role in his life and there are interests that he won't share with me, even to discuss them. Discussing, talking, conversing, yes, that is our old tune. Me complaining about his lack on verbal communication, him feeling bad and mentally beating himself up (and once again shutting me out) and round and round.
Well, as the kids say "been there, done that". I don't want to go on being a nagging old hag. Therefore it is with regret, that I say to you moro mou, "You win".
I won't hassle you again about talking to me, or sharing your thoughts with me. It is my sincerest hope, that by not pressuring you, you might learn to trust me and trust in us, to talk to me about things other than what should we make for dinner. Real cuddles and soft pillow chats like we used to have. I really do miss them. But I have to respect your space and your wants/needs. Also, the limited words, are often contradicted by the actions and as mentioned in our many heart-to-hearts, when those two things conflict, experience and logic dictate that I pay attention to the actions and ignore the words.
So, agapi mou, you win. You don't want to talk, I won't pressure you. You don't want to share your interests with me, I respect that and back away. You rather spend time with your friends exploring and discussing those interests, I also respect that and back off. As much as it hurts me, I have to protect my heart and remind myself that it's not healthy to put too much of one's self into a relationship, risk losing one's own identity.
Now, given all this free time that I find myself with, I would like to do something useful and even perhaps on occasion productive. I still have the inner desire I did when I was 4, "I want to help people".
This is where another decision based on the reality of the situation comes in. This original movement that I have found. It really is the spirit of the age, and I find it is a good vehicle for getting people to wake up to our shared reality. Yet, in this involvement as well, I have concluded that the best thing to do is limit how much of myself and my resources I invest. It is the closest thing to my personal beliefs that I have ever found in an organization or movement, due to the fact that I don't believe in religion as a whole, or find any truth or usefulness to politics, and having tried different volunteer organizations, well, all those experiences seem to have led me here. So, here is where I accept the reality of the situation, and decide that I don't have to argue to get what I want, I just go ahead and proceed anyway. That's the beautiful thing about a movement, especially one that is predicated on the idea of individual action and accountability, I don't have to check with anyone when I want to proceed. There is no time to waste arguing with negative or critical people. That goes for those that are part of the movement, or those that I come into contact with on the street outreach events. Either people get it, or they don't. I always hated sales anyways. I know as a consumer I don't want someone pestering me to buy their product. I know my own mind and if I want it, I will go get it. It is with this philosophy in mind that I go forward. It's also not about just agreement that I am after. I welcome a healthy debate based on empirical facts, but when it starts to decay into emotionally driven rhetoric, I must remember to politely back away and let them have it. The only way I am going to "win" is to move on to find someone else that is ready to listen and discuss our common challenges as human beings. So, to those both in the movement and not, I say "you win". Go about things as you see fit and I will do the same, there is no reason to squabble and create bad vibes.
Lastly, we come to those "friends" or "frenemies" as the kids call them, and to them I won't dedicate too much time to, other than to say "you win". You wanted to play it like that, your choice and I respect that. But don't think I am not paying attention to your character. I simply avoid confrontations and big dramatic scenes, and do as my parents used to call it "the polite British "fuck you". Often referred to as "no, thank you". Seems simple written, but you know the underlying message by the tone of the voice, the body language, etc. For you, well, I could get all trash talking here, but what would be the use? Didn't work out, all the best in your life's journey. Just understand, that when the time comes (not IF, but rather WHEN), you simply won't be part of my life boat team.
Because as Michael Rupert says, "when the Titanic is going down, you have three types of people. Those that are sitting by the bar having another drink calling you an alarmist or conspiracy theorist, you have those that are running around like chickens with their heads cut off not knowing what do, and you have a small group of people that are trying to figure out how to launch a lifeboat." Take a wild guess which group I want to be a part of? Correct, because this time, it's not just survival of the fittest, it's survival of the smartest and best prepared.
Bottom line is biology, the need to maintain one's life. So, I am not going to bother arguing with people that don't share my views, they are welcome to theirs. I am not going to bother feeling bad about those that wouldn't listen to me when I was warning them that they were going off the cliff. Hope they at least enjoyed the view on the way down. I have to look after myself, and more than happy to help look after the one's that want to join me in helping ourselves come through this collapse with our humanity and dignity intact. Everyone else is on their own and I wish them all the very best, truly, I wish no ill towards anyone, but I can't sit around and wait to be proven right. "Sorry, you were right, wish I'd listened to you", heard that one too many times, and the error was with me, because I wanted to believe in the other person's wishful thinking, but in my gut, I knew otherwise, but I squashed it. Not this time, there is far too much at stake.
If you're reading this and are having a hard time understanding the context, don't worry, means you don't know me. If you are someone that perhaps relates to this, let me know, I am always curious about who comes across my posts, since they are mostly my personal journals - of sorts.
Lastly, if you're one of the people I mention, you'll at least appreciate that I didn't give away too much identifying information and respected your privacy, even on the Internet.
I just wanted to get this down for the record, because I try to avoid grandiose public displays and confrontations, you may call it "passive-aggressive" but I call it "Prove me wrong".
